If you want to bitch about me, or make a point, go ahead, but do it to my face.
Doing it behind my back is just childish and immature.
That is not how problems are solved.

 Liking you, or understanding/comprehending that I like you, is mind bending.

Do you notice that I like you? 
Have you noticed that you never fail to make me smile when I'm down, even if you've no idea?
Have you noticed the way you get my heart to skip beats or rush a hundred miles an hour sometimes?
I'd swear you could hear it. 

It's scary, liking you, because, I'd never do anything about it.
I'd be (I am) terrified of losing what little we have.
I don't take chances that easy when the stakes are high.

Fuck this. I wish I wish I wish, that you were the same as me.
Felt the same.
Knew.

But, what if, what if I said something.
And fucked it up.
Then it turned out to be a short thing, that went away after a while.
That'd break me.
That's why, I'll stick to whining about this in my journal, but never tell you.
Never.

 And I did today. One of my best mates told me he's gay. I mean, I suspected/joked about it for years, but, he actually is, and it's kinda awesome. :) I think so anyway. 

Onto other news. I'm going to se the psychologist on Tuesday and I'm not too keen on the idea. I know I should go, but, it seems such a big thing to me, it actually scares me, does that even make sense?

And, I'm beyond confused about my sexuality, I mean seriously. There's confusion, and there's confusion. I get that I like guys and girls, sure, I think that's a relatively sure thing, it's more like, I like people though. I think there's a word for it, but I can't remember. I kinda feel like, I might be attracted a person, but their gender comes as a secondary note to me in general terms, except for obvious, like, physical attractions - confusing myself here, but, yeah. But, the issue is, not that who I like, but who I am liking them. It's hard to explain. Most of the time, I'm cool with how I am. Sure, I want to be thinner, with clearer skin, etc, etc, but, I'm fine, then sometimes I feel beyond wrong in my own skin and I just want to, like, not be a girl. It might not make a lot of sense, I don't understand it either. But, I mean, I just get this bizarre want to not be a girl at all, to go out and be a guy and, like, not a girl at all, but still be one. Like, how guys dress in drag because they like the way it makes them feel/look, I want the same, but the opposite way around, it's confusing me like fuck. I mean, like, sometimes, I think, yeah, I kinda like that guy, but if I envisage a relationship there? I want it to be between him and me, sure, but not me as a girl at all, and sometimes it's like that with girls too and just, jesus effing christ I am beyond confused. Completely nonplussed to the extreme. But it's hard to explain any of it aloud.

It's impossible to explain out loud, actually, and I hate that.

 'When I grow up I want to be nothing at all'

What did he mean? I really don't know.
If I say that right now I mean only one thing.

I want to be nothing.

Right now, I want to see nothing, to sit with my eyes wide open and be seeing nothing at all, no light, no dark, nothing at all.

I want to hear nothing, I don't want to hear them talking, the sound of my heartbeat, my own breathing, not even silence, I want to be able to hear nothing at all.

And I want to feel nothing. I don't want to feel the cold stone floor under my feet, the hard seat of the chair, the clothing rubbing on my skin, the bracelets on my wrists, my hair brushing my neck, my heart aching. I want to feel nothing at all.

I just want to not be. Is that so wrong?
It feels right, and it's impossible without doing the one thing I've promised never to.

I told my mum everything, seriously.
I think I started crying halfway through the explanation.
She cuddled me and kissed me like I was still her little girl.
She promised me we'd fix this together.
She promised that I don't have to do things on my own.
She told dad for me, and he cuddled me too.

We might not be the perfect family, and whatever I end up feeling sometimes, I think they do love me.
I'm scared as fuck, but I'm not doing it on my own anymore.

I was never completely alone, I had you Jessie, and you Amy and obviously I had Nicole, and I can never thank you guys enough for being there, especially when I needed you most - I'm here for you too, though I'm not nearly so good at giving advice I'll always listen.

Regardless of everything, it's not the same as having your mummy promise you everything's gonna be okay, just like when you had nightmares when you were six years old, and I feel the same as I did back then, like everything's gonna work out fine and I'm halfway safe again.

I'd thank God if I believed in him, but I don't think I do, so just, yeah, thanks to everything/anything/everyone who's got me here.
I'm fixing this now.

This is teh beginning of the Jam fic, I kinda feel like it sucks, buuut, cans you tell me what you thiiiink?

( Looksie and reads it pleases? )

Hehehe... welll, I went to see FOB and I looovvveeedddd it!!
Seriously, I ended up right in front of Pete effing Wentz!!! Amazing.
I have been wanting to see these guys for a loooong time. I mean... just gah. No more words available to describe how utterly godly those men are.

( Read more about the amazingness of FOB here.... )

 Booorrreeed.

I'm going to see Fall Out Boy in three days... Eeek!

Pete Wentz... I want to steal his shoes....Hmmmm.

Brainwashed younger siblings, XD

Will Beckett's hips really are... well, delectable, :)
( Read more... )

It's my own fault I suppose.

I plan to ramble on about slash fans and the most recent gigs I've been to under the cut... so feel free to click if MSI or Panic grab your attention, or alternatively, it you find the concept of teenage girls squeaking loudly about Frerard (etc) in the middle of London...